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Ant Man (Sooooo Not The Movie)


pk13

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Tale of insanity/looking for an answer here....

So I go get the mail this afternoon and find a couple of packages from eBay auctions I've won. Who doesn't like eBay packages in the mail? I'm walking back into the house, smile on my face, packages under my arm, and life is good. I get inside and turn on the tv and put both of the packages on the coffee table and fix a sandwich.

I'm eating my sandwich and opening up boxes and the first one is good. What's in the box is exactly what I bought. Mental note to leave that seller positive feedback. I pick up the second box and notice that the seller did a good job of taping up the edges, (I notice that sort of thing, and it's important), and proceed to slice through the top layer of tape and address label to get at the Minimates. I open it, take a bite of sandwich, and feel something on my arm. I instinctively slap at my elbow and see that there's an ant crawling towards my hand from my elbow. I send slap number two at it and kill it. Then take a drink and think about how odd it is to see an ant in my home and just how much I dislike them.

That thought hasn't left my ant-hating brain for two seconds before I feel another one on my arm. So sandwich time is officially over at this point and I look into the box that I had opened but not yet inspected. What I find is a horror show. It was like Hitchcock's Birds, except with ants. Probably more ants than birds, but I don't know. And I'm not talking about tiny little ant farm ants. Because that would be too easy. These things are abominations of nature. Giant freaking bastards, I think I couple had wings, one of em might have had a knife. Again, I'm not 100% sure.

It's at this point that I make the decision to move this fiasco out to the front porch before trying to do anything else. I grab the box by a top flap and make for the front door. I swing it open and try to do the same with the storm door until I realize that I had locked it on my way in. I like to think I take steps to keep the house safe and one of those steps is locking the storm door. It seems like a responsible thing to do until you're frantically Juggernaut rushing through the doors of your house in an attempt to fling a box that once held so much hope but now only holds so many ants, (that are hemorrhaging out at an alarming rate). I get that door unlocked and throw the 6x6 Cenobite ant puzzle cube onto the porch and watch them just absolutely go insane in some kind of sick twisted stage show out of the box and all the f over everything. It's at this point that I abandoned any and all hope of saving the figures because the Minimate to ant ratio was so bad that it seemed pointless. I go back into the house and grab some insect spray and get back out on the front porch and get to work.

You would like to think that when you buy insect killing spray that, in your time of need, it would actually kill stuff. Maybe I'm an unreasonable consumer, but that's just how I think about the things I buy. I expect them to work. This is one of the times that reality did not meet expectations. After a good 15 second carpet bombing, the ants actually seemed happy. Instead of twisting up in their death throes, they were leisurely hopping through the lake of poison that I just dropped on them. I thought that the poison cloud would lift and I would see dead ants everywhere. Instead they were on their backs making poison angels in what must have tasted like delicious gravy to them. I was a little scared at this point. These things had survived in a sealed box for several days of over the weekend shipping without food or water and then had been neck deep in Raid's finest nerve toxin and were just as happy as they could be. Not cool.

The only option left was to go hand to hand. I started just stomping the hell out of all of it. Crushing the box, splashing up the puddles of doesn't-kill-ant-sauce, and looking like a psycho to anyone driving or walking by. The action was something resembling a short hop to bring the foot down hard and then a twist to make sure they were ground into the concrete. I feel like I got most of them because there was a lack of movement. But for all I know, these things have cloaking tech and are planning a comeback.

So that's the tale. It was amateur hour exterminator mixed with playing splish splash in a lake of insect poison. And I look like I've been in a slap fight due to the finger shaped bruises I suffered while wildly slapping myself during the assault from the ant vanguard.

Now, I have some questions. First off, that box was sealed. I always look at that sort of thing. Which leads me to think that the ants were in the box before it left its destination. Do I leave bad feedback for this? I mean, I try to be as understanding as possible when it comes to trades and purchases, but having to play amateur f'ing Orkin Man for a half hour doesn't exactly leave me with warm fuzzy positive feedback feelings in the pit of my ant-hating stomach. On the other hand, since I'm pretty sure that these were genetically altered super ants, is it foolish to anger the maker of these monsters with neutral or negative?

And does anyone have any idea of how bad insect killer spray will affect the figures? I ended up gloving up and retrieving them and washing them off before bagging up the Raid soaked box and packaging taping the hell out of the bag before throwing it away. They weren't expensive so that's not an issue.

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I would burn the box in a blaze of purity! Figures be damned!

What figures were they?

And I would send a message personally to the seller. Negative feedback all around lol.

Also, it might be illegal or something to try and introduce something like that into someone else ecosystem. I dont know the laws on sending living things and bugs through the mail with malicious intent.

Edited by Zexion_Armando
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This reminds me of a story in Gerard Jones' excellent book Men of Tomorrow. Seems an indie comics publisher was going through some mail when he noticed that he'd received a spec script from Jerry Siegel. Yes, that Jerry Siegel, co-creator of Superman. This was back in the days before DC had begun to make reparations for Siegel and Shuster, seeing as how the were, y'know, the foundation of the entire damn company. Anyway this publisher couldn't believe it. An unsolicited script! From the co-creator of Superman! So he sat back to read it... except that it was covered in fleas. Covered. He had no choice but to burn it. And he never heard from Siegel again.

Sorry to hear about that, PK. I'd probably at least send the seller a message before leaving neg feedback. And sorry you've been having a bad couple days, Lobby.

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Definitely contact the seller, there is no way those Monster Island ants could have escaped his view while packing the mates inside. Maybe it was some sort of twisted joke, or maybe he thinks you really like ants. IDK, but that is messed up. I would negative feedback the crap out of him as well. Raid impervious monster ants are not to be taken lightly.

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Sorry to hear you've had a bad run lately, Lobby. I hope things turn around quickly for you!

It was just a couple of MvC figures that I wanted for alternate looks. $15 for 4 so I'm not too put out by it. I washed them all of really well and let them soak in in warm soapy water for a bit. Not that drowning will do anything to super ants, but it's nice to fool myself into a false sense of security. And I think that I'm going to just let sleeping ants lie as far as giving the seller any grief. It was either a horrible accident or it was intentional. I'm not going to mess with someone that's crazy enough to put upwards of 150 ants into Minimates packages. But I'm not leaving positive either. Just hoping that it was a weird thing that becomes more funny in time instead of what I fear might be a directed mutant ant assault.

That cartoon is absolutely cracking me up.

yb, I honestly didn't even think to take out my phone and take pics in the middle of it. It wasn't until I had de-anted that the whole thing shifted slightly from horror to comedy. But I did take some of the aftermath on the porch. Mind you, this is a few hours later and after several go overs with a broom. There are *still* pieces of ant on the poison stained steps. I think the Raid kind of clear coated some of the remnants onto the porch. I would take pics of the tape-mummified bag that all of the box and paper towels went into before being thrown away but adding dumpster diving to the list of indignities that I've suffered this day is too much. I just know that the ones that got away are out there multiplying and plotting.

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Now that is some weird toy karma..... by tomorrow the karma will shift in the other directionthumbsup.gif

I agree with MRPL on this, I don' think i'd leave any feedback either, but would definitely bring it to their attention. But hey, I'm a guy who has probably only used his car horn a dozen times in the 25 or so years I've been driving, so it would take a lot for me to leave a negative feedback anyway. As long as noone was hurt, and your house doesnt become infested, I'd chalk it up to a pretty funny story you can tell at get togethers! like the one time my buddy ordered a cheesesteak and fries, and when he opened the package he saw all the meat had been eaten out of the sandwhich, and the deleivery driver stuck the fries into the roll so noone would notice! it was pretty funny, and we still talk about it, and i doubt we would have been talking about how good that cheesesteak was twenty years later.

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That story was priceless. Reading it at work, the look on my face must have been great. My jaw was hanging on every word and you have definitely made my day brighter.

2 years ago I fell asleep playing video games and my can of coke was on the windowsill next to me, I woke up a pit later and rank some of it. Then I noticed an ant on my hand. I instinctively smashed it hulk style before it bit me. Then I found another. After a yelling round of WTF I look to the window and there are ants crawling all around my soda can, and on it. And, after further examination, in it.

I DRANK ANTS.

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Once when I was in high school I took out the trash. As I was pulling the garbage can to the road, I noticed a sting on my leg. I looked down and there were probably 50 ants all over me, and they seemed to all bite me in unison. I knocked as many off as I could while I ran to the water hose to spray myself down. Ever sense then, I get a strange shiver when I see a bunch of ants together, and become irrationally fearful.

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Ants are a nasty business down here by K80 and me. Fire ants will have you hurting for days and you usually don't see them until they are all biting you in unison.

This sounds like maybe they were in the box and the seller didn't realize it. Some ants will actually eat pulpy material like cardboard, so they may have been in there and got sealed in. That or the seller played a prank...

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